Despair

Just when I thought of a solution it turned out to be a crock. Well, at least this trauma won't get me too fucked up. I mean, it's sad and all but I am not messed up for life.

It's just my bright, shining future that's been spit on and tossed into a fresh mass grave/latrine pit.

If you've ever been in gravity about three times as strong as normal, you'd know how I feel. Even my eyes don't want to come up off my shoes. If I lie down my chest might not lift enough to let me breathe. Then I'll just lie there, slowly suffocating, lungs crushed under the weight of my heart, unable to call for help, as everything fades out.

If I could cry, I would, but I can't, so I'll just drink. Ah, drinking. That will ease my pain. *Bourbon shot* Yes, alcohol will blind me to the reality of the situation. *Tequila shot* *More Bourbon* Now, my muscles are relaxing. My diaphragm isn't cruching my stomach into a painful ball. My ribs don't ache and my back is unwinding, and the sharp, stabbing muscle cramps are starting to go away. *Muscle relaxer pill, Bourbon shot* Aaah! Yeah, that's the stuff. Now if only I can manage to shuffle off this heavy coil while I'm dreaming... I hope I don't have to wait.

When I'm waking
And I'm aching
It's time for sleeping yeah
When I'm saying
Time to go and
I've been hurtin' yeah
When I'm laying
I'm still trying
Concentratin' on dying yeah

Additionally,

We've chased misprinted lies
We've faced the path of time
And yet I fight, and yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home
My gift of selfish rape
My privacy is raked
And yet I find, yet I find
Repeating in my head
"If I can't be my own,
I'd feel better dead."
[thanks l. staley, j. cantrell]

The world is empty, and I'm trying to fill it, but there's always more space to fill, and I can only stretch so far before I break. This is intolerable, but I can't end it. The only option is to fade away, slowly, rotting alive, a shade.