Subterranian lovesick blues

Or, actually, sick-of-love blues, or something. Long, boring post.

This is usually gdog's turf, but I occasionally listen to the poplar music as well; I'm down with what the kids these days are buying. Okay maybe not.

But and so (constant reader: no, I can't help it, that bastard DFW's made me annoying as hell to read) after an odd conversation with my Ex a couple of weeks ago, I realized that losing hope has certain consequences. We had a habit of talking through a great many things, and have remained friends, after a fashion. Which, when you consider that we're still in the same apartment, is for the best all around. Otherwise she probably would have stabbed me already, or at least one of us would've been driven to violence. We get on one another's nerves. After four years--now four and a half--of living with/being with someone, you get to know what buttons are the hottest. If you're of a mind to push them (read: grouchy, hung over, etc.) things go south quickly. Yes, I know I should move out (blah blah excuses, lease responsibility, private financial info), but I have until August and then we'll both have this load off our psyches.

So I had been holding out hope of getting back together. Even though I've been on the new SO lookout already. For reasons that don't need going into, the re-up is not going to happen, and previously I heartily if only intellectually agreed that this was the case. Letting go of love is hard, in a way that those who have had to do it know about, and that the rest of you should at least be glad you haven't had to try. Saying to myself and her that I had been hoping let me let it go. It's certainly not fair to either of us for me to have that hanging over me and all my interactions with her. It's not authentic (ha ha) or, really, anything but pathetic.

I'm not wallowing in the past anymore. Didn't someone say we must learn from the past, but not allow it to occupy our minds? You can't live in the present or face the future if you're walking backwards and your eyes are looking over the path you've traveled. Give up. Give up, give up, give up, give up. Or, as Mr. Durden says, "Let go!"

I wrote a goodbye, but no one gets too look at it. I think a respiration metaphor was involved. Also the movies "Purple Butterfly" and "Last Life in the Universe." So anyways I've been listening to "Still" a lot. It's the NIN disc that was a bonus on the deeeeeelux ed. of "And All That Could Have Been." Note to Mr. Reznor: why couldn't you just admit it was a demo/outtake disc? "Rarities" my ass. Great disc tho'. Amazon has definitely done a lot for my music collection, if not my wallet. Along w/the new one and the first album, I've had a great soundtrack for my wallowing. But since I'm putting an end to it, why not ditch the music? Well, first, it's too good to ditch, and second, I am the type who gets catharsis though musical extacy (in the old sense). Externalize the emotion, recognize it, analyze it, deal with it.

So here are some random lyrics, since I can't seem to get Panopticon to so much as leave me a note this month. Not sure what she's up to.

There is no place I can go, there is no way I can hide,
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside...
[this one's dedicated to our philosophically oriented editor]
What if everything around you isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at you reflection, is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the world's inside of your head,
Just creations of your own?
The devils and your guns, all the living and the dead,
And you really are alone?...
[with regard to jealousy]
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles
Why do you get all the love in the world?
....
I am the hate you try to hide (and I control you)
I am the truth from which you hide (and I control you)
Mister self-destruct
....
You've got me workin' so hard lately
If I was twice the man I could be I'd be half of what you need
Anything you ask you know I'll do
This one act of consecration is what I ask of you
Sever flesh and bone, offer it to me
[yeah, that's a little creepy, but listen to the whole song, dammit]
It's a part of me, it's inside of me
I'm stuck in this dream, it's changing me
The me that you know, he has some second thoughts
The me that you know, he doesn't come around much
That part of me isn't here anymore
No escape from this, my new consciousness
...
I still recall the taste of your tears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head, 'til I don't wanna sleep anymore
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing, I'm starting to scare myself
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
[anger, perhaps spiteful, sure]
You can try to pretend
But you can't change anything in the end
Don't you fucking know what you are?
...
There is no God up in the sky tonight
No sign of Heaven anywhere in sight
All that was true is left behind
Once I could see, and I am blind
Don't want the dreams you try to sell
This disease I give to myself
How does it feel?
Suck suck suck

This reminds me that I'm probably becoming bitter. So be it, I'll keep it under control. Ah, out-of-context quotation.

Try to fade in the snow
You will find me here
Ice is drawing me forth
I am locked in my head
Please take this and run far away
Far away from me
The two of us were never meant to be
All these pieces and promises and left-behinds
I feel all that could have been
...
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Too fucked up to care anymore
[whew. feeling better. :) ]
Made the choice to go away
[fatalism, hope, redemption, looking ahead anyway]
Ocean pulls me close
Whispers in my ear
The destiny of choice
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
And I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
...
The clouds will part and the sky cracks open
And God himself will reach his fucking arm through
Just to push you down, just to hold you down
It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

Thanks T. Reznor. Goddamn "Fight Club" one-liners popping into my head like a burnt-out hobo guru propaganda loudspeaker: "Losing all hope is freedom." Whatever. More like: get on with it, dickwad.

Mmm, this post had better end before I just go to ridiculous heights of autoflaggelation.