2006/03/05

ha ha

Caught myself backsliding. Forgive and forget. Can't it... Just... Why not...

(Interlude: I am not a grudge-holding type. This is a problem, because when I do hold a grudge it is usually for the wrong reasons. Stupid piddly shit that means nada in the long run, right. Not the big shit. [Editorial NB: this bit is factual. --f.])

I am so so so so.... And then the questions and the self-recrimination.

And then the doubt and the feeling like, I have to keep my shit under control and not... whatever. This is being in touch with feelings. Why the fuck did I ever start doing that?

Actually I know why, I remember when, and I could tell that story. Someday maybe.

Where is my denial? Where is my painkiller fucking denial? Where is my fucking fiction and my sex and my nature and my fucking denial? I know cutters. They want me. They want me to join them. I don't want these feelings I say. This is too much. I am so...

Everything is so... because everyone is so... and the one I wanted was so... and now we're so... and now I'm so...

And it's all over and I'm eating five cheeseburgers with a Jack chaser and scratching my balls while watching Conan and my God where did my life go? I was in school and I had a dream and I wanted to be somebody and I wanted success and I wanted and wanted and love found me and I pissed it all away for you fucking balls alcohol cheeseburger television sheep sheep sheep... Absurd fucking life is.

(P.s. how else can you laugh but bitterly? That's how I laugh at myself. Rock over Detroit, rock on Chicago.)

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